“Taking good care of yourself means the people in your life
receive the best of you rather than what is left of you.”
-Lucille Zimmerman
One of the most common emotional responses to life’s pressures is a lack of self-compassion. Despite connective technology, we often find ourselves isolated, obsessed with our own self-esteem or spending most of our energy on others: taking care of children, aging parents, spouses or friends. In this over-full lifestyle, it’s easy to turn our backs on ourselves. We become self-critical and judgmental, especially when our lives have unfolded in ways that we couldn’t have imagined.
Americans devote Valentine’s Day to showing love and compassion to others, but how often do we give that same love and compassion to ourselves? Worse yet, we’re often our own worst critic. This tendency leads to negative self-talk and behavior patterns that increase the stress response. Self-criticism and inwardly-focused judgments can lead to anger, depression, and even physical illness. And this is not helpful in our journey to manage chronic illness.
What is Self-Compassion?
Dr. Kristin Neff, leading researcher on the topic, defines self-compassion in her book:
“Having compassion for oneself is really no different than having compassion for others. Think about what the experience of compassion feels like. First, to have compassion for others you must notice that they are suffering….Second, compassion involves feeling moved by others’ suffering so that your heart responds to their pain (the word compassion literally means to “suffer with”)….you feel warmth, caring, and the desire to help the suffering person in some way.
Having compassion also means that you offer understanding and kindness to others when they fail or make mistakes, rather than judging them harshly. Finally, when you feel compassion for another (rather than mere pity), it means that you realize that suffering, failure, and imperfection is part of the shared human experience.”
So, proposes Neff, “instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings—after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?”
What Self-Compassion is NOT
As important as Dr. Neff’s study of what self-compassion is would be her study of what it is not. She draws a distinct line between self-compassion and self-pity. When we feel self-pity, we are focused on our own problems and forget that others have similar challenges. We tend not connect with others, feeling that we’re the only ones in the world who are suffering.
Elements of Self-Compassion
According to Dr. Neff, there are three elements of self-compassion:
- Self-kindness — Rather than ignoring our discomfort or “beating ourselves up” with self-criticism, self-compassion involves warmth and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate.
Self-compassionate people accept that being imperfect, failing, and experiencing difficulties is unavoidable, so they tend to be gentle with themselves when confronting painful experiences. We cannot always be or get exactly what we want. When we argue with reality, suffering increases in the form of stress, frustration, and self-criticism. - Common humanity — “Self-compassion involves recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy are part of the shared human experience—something that we all go through, rather than being something that happens to ‘me’ alone.”
- Mindfulness — Being mindful of our feelings—neither suppressing nor exaggerating them—allows us to observe negative thoughts and emotions without judgment. Studies show that ignoring or denying our feelings and emotions actually creates confusion in the brain’s emotional/memory process. It’s best to consciously choose to learn from our feelings and focus our attention on something we desire or value.
Principles of Self-Compassion
The basic principles of self-compassion are likely not new to us. We’ve experienced compassion for another person or animal at some time in our lives, but directing the same tolerance or gentleness inward can be uncomfortable. Here are some practical ways to cultivate self-compassion in our daily lives:
Be more mindful — Self-care and self-compassion aren’t necessarily the same thing. We implement self-care by exercising more or eating healthfully, and we can also be tuned into the way we talk to ourselves. Mindfulness practices vary widely: creating space to calm mental chatter and exploring ways to practice self-compassion help us stay tuned into the present moment, instead of rehashing the past or worrying about the future.
Write it out — Writing can be an effective way to tap into our inner dialogue and catch negative self-talk. Write a loving letter to yourself in the same way you would to a friend who might need encouragement. Or have a written conversation with the part of you that’s struggling, using curiosity to explore vulnerable feelings freely and without judgment. If you are your own worst critic, log your negative self-talk and do a “truth” test on the things you tell yourself (Is this accurate? Is it a 100% truthful statement? Is this something I would say to anyone else?).
Acknowledge your feelings — We tend to view our feelings as our reality and to place judgments of right or wrong on them. Feelings are fluid and should guide us like a compass rather than weigh us down like an anchor. Instead of judging your feelings, try recognizing them and the clues they might be giving you about what you need. Suppressing (denying) our feelings isn’t healthy, but we can choose our responses to situations that are not bringing us the joy or results we desire. Admitting our humanness, respecting our feelings, and taking appropriate action to meet our own needs are acts of true self-compassion.
Learn to focus on what’s important to you — This takes practice, especially when the brain’s alarm is going off due to pain, illness, symptoms, or stress. But it’s important for a balanced brain that we acknowledge our stressors and then choose what’s most important to us at the moment—focusing on that rather than perseverating about the thing that’s set off the alarm. Think about ice skaters or gymnasts competing in the Olympics. Pay attention to their demeanor and how they handle a mistake or a fall (the alarm), and what course the rest of their performance takes. You will notice that the ones who regain their composure later say something like, I just wanted to make my country proud, or I was skating for the pure enjoyment of it (most important). Oftentimes, the ones who fall apart are angry or glum and reflect on what went wrong.
If you’ve studied the effects of negative self-talk, you may be increasingly aware of your own patterns. Maybe you discovered that you can be your own worst critic and have discovered ways to adopt a more compassionate point of view. If so, how has this affected your life and your pain? In a study done on depression and mindfulness-based cognitive therapies, patients were taught to become more aware of thoughts and feelings—specifically to view them as mental events, rather than as accurate reflections of reality. Participants discovered that this approach protected them against depression relapses as effectively as antidepressants.
Significant research supports the body and brain benefits of self-compassion. Just as important, self-compassion increases happiness at home, at work, and at play, and can even be a factor in relationship improvements and business interactions.
